Triple M’s Hot Mainstream Mediocre Blandfest Breakfast Billbored

I have driven past this poster for Melbourne’s most mediocre radio anti-personalities many times. I’ve sometimes walked past this billboard. I’m now going to attempt to dissect in writing, why it is that this particular array of image and text makes me think murderous thoughts.

Where to start?

Every single detail and nuance of this poster aggravates me to my core.

First there’s the name of the show: Hot Breakfast. I can’t exactly articulate why or how but these two words effectively sum up the essence of mainstream Aussie media culture. It’s a lazy title. It’s a banal title. There is no attempt at making a clever or witty word play. It’s just straight forward and fucking dull. They couldn’t just call it ‘Breakfast’ because that would come across as plain daft. So the genius PR team added the word ‘Hot’ and there you have it – an icon is born. It means nothing. Who the hell eats hot breakfasts anyway? What working schmuck who has to rush off to his/her meaningless job has time for a hot breakfast these days when the ‘9 to 5’ existence has eroded to the ‘8 to 6’ slog.

Then there’s Eddie. I love to hate Eddie. He is the Gold Standard of Aussie Mediocrity – and possibly the Gold Logie too. The fact that he’s wearing a suit and tie offends and amuses me all at once. He reminds me of the countless Aussie bozo blokes who don suits come Monday morning and head off to their middle to lower management admin or IT or marketing jobs. Aussie beer guzzling, coke snorting (if they can afford it), BBQ loving, footy worshipping dipshits who look ill fitted in a suit but have to wear one to slot into the corporate culture they’ve embraced, the very same culture that will slowly sap them of their already luke warm witless personalities.

Why the suit Eddie? Is it because you need to perpetually represent the great Aussie deadshit who came good by becoming a small scale media mogul and footy club president through hard yards in the talentless world of commercial sports broadcasting? Don’t be offended by me and my bitter resentment. For every 1 of me there are a 1,000 brain dead TV overdosed Aussies who adore you and equate you with true success. You are perfectly safe.   

     

And then there’s Mick Malloy. I don’t even know who the third guy is so he’ll escape my poison pen this time. Molloy! I once believed you had talent and there was some hope for you. But alas you have jumped into bed with the ‘Lord of Lackluster’, the suited bogan media mogul with no personality whatsoever. You have made your choice and now you are committed to the archives of mass produced billboards and on your head stone it will read Mick Molloy – One Too Many Shit Hot Breakfasts.

Actually it’s the combination of all these elements thrown together in the stiff choreography of this billboard poster that culminates in a perfect product of mainstream dreck (that’s Yidish for garbage or something of poor quality). Three unfunny mediocre Aussie blokes. One in a suit. One with a big nose. And one utterly formless everyman whose look is so common that you’d need to put his image on loop mode to recall it. All staring blankly out at the world inviting us to come and join them for their HOT BREAKFAST.

Give me cold porridge any day.